Batman visits Duluth, calls it “a total loss”

Northland Enquirer annual April Fools parody

by Northland Enquirer staff

Gotham City, DCU. Returning from a trip to Duluth, a deeply shaken Dark Knight described Duluth as “the worst hellhole I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been to the dystopian alternate-dimension city of Apokolips.”

Among Batman’s complaints were Duluth’s streets. “Gotham literally had every bridge and major outlet bombed, and even their roads were smoother. Does the Penguin have a controlling interest in your axle and shock-absorber industry?”

The Caped Crusader, who has seen his hometown of Gotham City destroyed by giant vultures, admitted that even that handsome billionaire Bruce Wayne could not keep up with Duluth’s profligate spending on the Aquarium or Spirit Mountain.“

Just to be clear,” said Batman, returning to the microphone to get another thing off his emblematic chest, “Gotham has had a city-wide contagion that killed thousands, an earthquake that left the city in anarchy, a freakin’ metal mountain that rose out of the middle of the city, and was once even turned into a giant swamp. And their citizens just ranked their standard of living ten points higher than Duluthians.

“I’m the World’s Greatest Detective, and even I can’t figure out why the hell anyone lives there.”

Teller suppresses laughter at your paycheck 

Duluth, MN. According to his co-workers, a local bank teller successfully held back peals of laughter upon seeing how much money you make, despite the fact that your entire annual salary can fit into Donald Trump’s tiny hands.

“Maybe I can chalk it up to experience,” says First Union employee Chevy Banks. “I mean, you’ve been coming in here with that peasant’s wage for a deathly long time now, and it’s really more pathetic than anything.”

Banks elaborated, even after you told him that you got the point already, “I mean, who overdrafts a check for gum? Seriously, the paper your check is printed on is worth more than your savings account. You’re a loser with loose change. Loose change for the loser!”

Banks said he still reserves the right to grin when depositing your check, “which doesn’t even cover the cost of my labor.”

Filthy people want to know when this hand-washing crap will end

The coronavirus crisis has disrupted the daily lives of millions, but none more so than filthy people who want to return to not washing their hands. The uncertainty is causing worry in many American squalors that are often confused with pigsties. 

“Used to be that I could pick my nose and immediately shake someone’s hand,” says Bobby Fictional. “And they would take it to be polite, just smearing that nasal discharge all over their fingers. But now they won’t touch it until I’ve washed. Who’s got time for that? I’m too busy at my job as a professional face-toucher.”

His pain is shared by the soap-adverse Siorhan Nutreel. “I just want to return to a time when I wouldn’t be judged for wiping my ass with my bare hand and then immediately leaving to go back to serving chicken at KFC. It’s not like it’s going to change the taste of their chicken or destroy your digestive system any differently.”

Most filthy people have said that, once the crisis is over, they look forward to rubbing their pubic region before handling everything at the Cub Foods produce section.

Cancer doctor’s human worth calculated by Instagram likes

Minneapolis, MN. Doctor Zhang Hu, an oncologist who has developed new ways to treat various types of cancer, has failed to obtain a satisfactory number of Instagram followers, calling into question his value as a human being, says the Internet. 

“He posted a picture of his meat loaf, and he got a total of three likes from us,” says the online community in disgust. “And one of them was from his wife, so that doesn’t even count. This guy may have developed a groundbreaking vaccine-based immunotherapy, but he’s clearly a loser when it comes to social-media respectability.”

Dr. Hu’s unpopularity may cost him his job as a clinical researcher at the University of MN. Speaking for the school, dean Martin Ann-Lewis said, “Unless this guy does a TikTok video that shows lots of ass, he could soon be jobless and broke, eating rats in an alleyway instead of experimenting on them. Come to think of it, I would pay to see that. I mean, that’s a video that could go viral.”