McDonald's wall collapses, Trump intervenes

Northland Enquirer annual April Fools parody

by Northland Enquirer staff

On March 10, the retaining wall outside of the McDonald's on London Rd. and 21st St. fell apart. Several in the community expressed that the collapse was no surprise and that the possibility had been brought up to the store.

A manager who wished to not be named, said, "Alright, I'm not an engineer. I don't know anything about retaining walls or the outlying structures of the property. All I'm here to do, really, is just make sure that if you ask for ketchup packets, you only get one in the bag." 

He added, "I also like to make sure that very late at night we like to totally screw up the drive-through orders so that when the customers get home, they are faced with either coming back here or they just have to eat what they get.”

The manager laughed maniacally. "This is 2020 and we don't care about things like retaining walls and ketchup packets and late-night order accuracy. If our employees even show up, we're happy with that."

 The news of the retaining wall has apparently reached as far as President Donald Trump, who said, "There's two things in the world that I love: walls, they should be everywhere, and McDonald's, the chefs there are the best chefs, I've had them cater many of my personal dinners."

Trump has diverted $5 billion from emergency coronavirus response funds to build a new retaining wall around the London Road McDonald’s, with the goal of keeping nearly everyone out. It will be accessible only by his helicopter.

Plow driver happy to finally have things cleared from last year's storm

Jim Fowler, a plow driver for the City of Duluth is happy that after months of hard work, things look like they're finally in the clear. "I've never seen anything like it that early in the season," said Fowler, "but I'm happy to say, these streets are finally fit to drive on again."

Fowler has been working diligently on removing the snow from the storm that hit back in late November. "After some warm 50 degree days and several months, I can say that the hard work has paid off and we finally have made some notable progress on that storm. Sure, there's still some really bad potholes, but we've got the snow under control." 

Mayor Emily Larson gave a statement, "I know there has been a lot of negativity about our response, but overall, I appreciate your patience with us getting the snow removed from November's storm in a fairly timely manner. I mean, Don Ness would probably be just giving the key to the city to some band like Ween or Weezer, or whatever, but I haven't rested since that storm, trust me. I am just as tired and confused about it as any of you."

The Mayor promised that nothing like those events would ever happen again until at least October of this year, barring perhaps a late April storm, which might significantly impact the summer tourist season.

People torn between DNT, Budgeteer and Reader to wipe with

With the recent run on buying out toilet paper in the nation due to coronavirus, many have found themselves in desperate means. "I've stopped at Wal-Mart, Target, even Barnes & Noble, and I can't find a mega-pack of toilet paper anywhere," said Ralph Bummaster. "What is my family supposed to do?”

“I feel like I've failed my them as a man," he continued, his voice breaking. "Then the idea came to me, there's toilet paper, but in the end it’s just paper, and then I realized that there's paper all around us, every day!" 

He found around 200 Budgeteers on his front lawn that had just reemerged under the melted snow. "I told the family to all come out of the house, and I showed them that we were saved! We'd survive this pandemic after all!" 

It turns out that Bummaster was not the only one with this idea for alternative means of wiping. "Some people have said they've had problems finding our papers recently," said Reader Publisher Bob Boone. "We didn't want to believe it at first, but it turns out that many many people have been stealing our publication off the racks for the purpose of," Boone hesitated and then whispered, "wiping themselves." 

Boone went on to say how people have often used the Reader for bird cages, kitty box liners, firestarter for wood stoves and improvised body armor, but he has never seen such an impact on the distribution for the sole purpose of being used as toilet paper. 

A man named Willie Woodcox claims to not only have been using the Reader for toilet paper for years, he has also used several other publications. "A Budgeteer is good if you're in a pinch, but I like to get my hands on the A&E section of the Duluth News Tribune when I can. There's nothing like the grit of a Tony Bennett album review between your cheeks. Those Paul Whyte reviews in the Reader were too smooth and didn't really get the same bite, though they were pretty much shit anyway.”

All three publications have expressed interest in putting a disclaimer saying "FOR READING USE ONLY," although it is unlikely to dissuade people from continuing to use them for other purposes.