Wisconn Valley Employee Handbook
Welcome to Wisconn Valley, your new Foxconn owned Wisconsin factory! We make Apple computer monitors, and you paid us $3 billion in tax breaks in exchange for 3,000 guaranteed jobs! ROTFLMAO! We’re honored that you want us to bring our centuries-old slave labor techniques to America, where greedy corporations have already spent decades steadily dragging citizens toward longer hours, lower pay and fewer benefits. Please review the following employee handbook to help empower your servitude:
- Work shifts can be long at Foxconn. If you’ve been hot gluing displays for 16 hours straight and feel like you’re going to suicide, please choose a quiet method like swallowing too many pills or lynching yourself in the privacy of your on-site closet home. Jumping off the roof is very crass.
- Did we say you’d be hot gluing displays? Haha, that’s ridiculous! Robots do that. Robots do everything. Robots wrote this handbook. Hello! I’m a robot!
- Look, sometimes people like to jump off buildings. We don’t know why. Why do birds fly into windows? Why do bearded dragons only go to the bathroom on photos of Ben Affleck? Why do dogs lick their own butt? Kriss Kross once wrote a song called “Jump” that included that word 77 times. Evel Knievel jumped off things for years and he turned out fine. We don’t know why everything has to be a thing now.
- Please refrain from criticizing the name “Wisconn Valley”. We realize this sounds like a valley into which people urinate, but the governor chose this name and there’s nothing we can really do about it.
- Names we would have preferred over “Wisconn Valley” include “FartQueef Gorge”, “Dickwater Lowland Plains” or “Dead Underpaid Suicidal Workers Basin”.
- We’ve spent a lot of time over the past few months meeting local Wisconsinites. As a result, we’re making morning calisthenics mandatory at our factory. Healthy mules get the job done, fat dough queens get sent to the hot dog factory.
- You might have seen work calisthenics in that 1980s Michael Keaton movie “Gung Ho”. Wisconn Valley is gonna be just like that! Chinese though, not Japanese. Watch that movie. That’s what our factory will be like. A lot of good, clean, broadly racist fun directed by Ron Howard.
- Our factory is not actually directed by Ron Howard. As a result of the confusion and the resulting effort it has taken to send out this clarification, we will be docking everyone’s pay $0.30 per hour.
- Again, please refrain from criticizing the name “Wisconn Valley”. We understand that it sounds like an annual convention filled with people who enjoy peeing onto the steep hills that surround our factory. We’re fairly certain that’s not the case. Like 65% sure. Super sure.
- At Foxconn, bathrooms are a privilege, not a right. Please make sure to use the restroom at home before coming to work, because there’s nowhere to go here! We removed all the toilets to increase efficiency. Both new and used diapers are available for a steep markup at our company gift shop.
- Please make sure to wear our company uniform. Workers dressed in white are entry level and far dumber than workers dressed in more fashionable colors. Workers dressed in blue are management and are allowed to steal literally anything from workers dressed in white or passion pink, no questions asked. Workers dressed in passion pink have failed at their jobs and will be shat out the bottom end of the company if their work doesn’t improve. Workers who are completely nude except for a diaper are entry level employees who clocked in at 9:01am instead of 9am the previous day. Pay them no attention because they legally have no souls while on company property.
- Hey, remember that thing we promised when you interviewed? We'll pretend we don't and completely screw you, because we know there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop us. We own your dumb face!
- For the last time, please refrain from criticizing the name “Wisconn Valley”. We don’t know what it means either, so please stop Facebook Messengering us. That app isn’t even installed on our phone. We heard they can track people with it. Track all the cool things we do. We don’t need Zuckerdork knowing all about our cool life. Get your own cool, you nosy sons of bitches!
- Thank you for your deeply depressed compliance. Your next scheduled lunch break is in 42 days, 17 hours, 42 minutes.