New Wonder Woman film chock full of family fun, man nipples

Paul Ryan

The new Wonder Woman film begins typically enough. A smelly 700-foot-tall walrus has wandered into the city. As walruses are known to do, it immediately begins robbing liquor stores. The camera slowly pulls back to reveal that Wonder Woman is already on the scene! Chris Pine gives the performance of a lifetime as the Amazonian princess, bludgeoning the walrus to death and using the meat to make southwestern style sandwiches for everyone.   Pine’s subtlety as Wonder Woman is a breath of fresh air. Gone are the days of elaborate superhero outfits with giant floppy Lynda Carter boobs that just get in the way of the action. Pine’s sleek, flat-chested form and understated commoner attire allows his Wonder Woman to be more aerodynamic and relatable. Whether he’s punching Nazis, running over Nazis with a motorcycle or arguing on the phone with a Nazi internet service provider who simply will not remove the installation fee, Pine’s modest, proportional breasts provide a fresh, innovative Wonder Woman experience.  

Plain-looking Israeli model Gal Gadot does well as hapless sidekick Steve Trevor. Her outfit provides the film’s only downside, with her gaudy red armor, gold with red star headband and golden lasso looking a bit elaborate for a sidekick. Fortunately, Pine's seasonally-colored turtleneck sweater makes it clear which character is truly wondrous.   It’s odd that Wonder Woman is now a major motion picture. The character got its start in the 1940s in comic books for sadomasochists and leery perverts. Full of bondage, misogyny and pervy S&M lasso work, the early comics quickly became a hit with serial killers and men who wear their hat backwards at the gym. It's likely your grandfather kept a copy rolled up under his mattress and had a really spirited wank for that three minute period when the rest of the family was downstairs loading the car to attend church.  

In the 1950s, the comics turned even more insulting. Wonder Woman became a glorified housewife who vacuumed, cleaned the family toilet and made Nutty Bars from scratch. The Nutty Bars were very well made and enjoyed by all. If there was a crime, perhaps she’d be allowed to help if the Nutty Bars were finished and had been checked by Steve for quality. Things are quite different in the 2017 film.  

On screen, Gadot’s unusually busy Steve character body slams a Nazi out a window, eliciting a cheer and extended applause from the audience. Shouldn’t Wonder Woman be doing that? LOL. Pine may be the fanciest Wonder Woman ever, but he’s also the laziest. Gadot constantly picks up the slack, defeating top Nazi generals and legendary Greek gods single-handedly while Pine’s Wonder Woman hangs back with the boys, drinking beer and occasionally switching between stylish winter jackets.  

I’m going to be blunt here. For a while, I thought Chris Pine’s name was Chris Pike. It’s an honest mistake. I might have believed his name was Pike throughout my viewing of the film and while writing the entire first draft of this review. Rest assured that Pine is much less forgettable in the film. In fact, he’s the first Wonder Woman to ever grace the screen topless.   If exposing one’s breasts in a film were a sport, Pine would be the league’s skankiest MVP. Boy, does he show his tits a lot. At one point early in the film, Pine is topless for nearly five minutes straight for no reason. It seemed a bit gratuitous, to be honest. Was this Cinemax vibe necessary for the story? No. Did it provide some insight into the character that we wouldn’t have otherwise been able to see? Of course not. It’s just Hollywood turning a respectable film into a sweaty titty flick. Russ Meyer’s particular brand of filmmaking may have been a niche not yet explored in its day, but our modern culture is simply not compatible. It’s disappointing to see a studio be daring enough to cast a man as Wonder Woman and then destroy that clout by letting Pine’s mipples (man nipples) build the fan base for them.  

This role reversal reaches its peak cringe factor at the film’s conclusion, when Gadot’s overly powerful Steve character celebrates their victory by just mounting Pine and going to town. She needs no strapon; she just penetrates him with the will of the gods. This graphic footage continues not just through the end credits, but even a few minutes after they’ve run out of credits to show, with a viciously aggressive Gadot continuing to thrust at her leisure until she’s damn well satisfied. After loudly grunting and collapsing on top of Pine as if he were a pile of bath towels, Gadot uses Pine’s hair to clean herself off and the film ends.  

Perhaps it’s appropriate that misandry and mipples rule Wonder Woman’s first film. It creates a teachable moment that allows families to get ice cream afterward and discuss with their children how some mipples have different shapes and sizes than others and how privilege allows a man to nearly expose his scrote in one scene while saving the day in the next. Realistically, they should have just let Gadot play the role of Wonder Woman. She beat the crap out of like 200 guys and didn’t show her scrotum at all.