Mayor Larson giving up Ryan Gosling for lent

Paul Ryan

Tearing down her gigantic collage of gossip magazine photos and clippings, Mayor Emily Larson gave a big sigh. With over 12,000 photos of Ryan Gosling taped to her walls, Mayor Larson’s basement was once her sanctuary. A place where she could come to forget all her troubles and lose herself in Gosling’s little blue peepers. 

“Forever yours, darling,” whispered Mayor Larson, right as her husband walked in the room. “Oh, nothing dear. You must be hearing things. So many silly Ryan Gosling pictures to take down! Ha! (to Gosling photo) It’s okay, darling. I won’t take you all down. I’ll keep a few of you with me at all times. Now give momma some sugar.”

Mayor Larson then french kissed one of the Gosling photos.

Harrison Ford dies in plane crash

Renowned actor Harrison Ford, known to millions as Hans Solo and Indiana Jones, died Wednesday night in a fiery plane crash. The personal plane Ford pilots as a hobbyist was supposed to land at John Wayne Airport in Orange County, California, but instead flew directly into Kellyanne Conway’s vagina. Much like George T. Conway III, the 74-year-old Ford apparently saw reflections of the landscape in her vagina and fatally thought he could fly through it. Ford is survived by his spouse and five children.

Man who won argument at Schultz’s championed by all

“Yeah, fuck you! Fuck your dumb face!” shouted Superior’s Frankie Diggs after winning an argument about Donald Trump’s son cutting the butt off an elephant. “The tail is part of the butt, stupid! An elephant’s tail is part of its butt, you dumb piece of shit! Fuck you!”

Man who won argument at Brewhouse championed by all

“Yeah, fuck you! Channel Tunnel, motherfucker!” shouted Duluth’s Hal Solverson after winning an argument about foreign underground tunnel systems. “Seikan Tunnel is second longest, stupid! Channel Tunnel is the longest underground tunnel in the world, you dumb piece of shit! Fuck you!”

Missing Superior, WI man found eating pudding in restroom of Pump n’ Munch

National searches have been called off as missing resident Paul Whyte was found Tuesday morning eating pudding in the restroom of a Pump n’ Munch gas station. When asked why he went missing for four days, Whyte explained that he had a lot of pudding to eat and the drive to Pump n’ Munch is a long one.

Caucasian man sues spanish teacher for wasting his time

“I took two years of Spanish and it’s useless,” said Todd Wankerson, who is filing suit against his high school Spanish teacher. “I went to Cancun and everyone spoke English. Cab driver spoke English. Bartender spoke English. Other bartender spoke English. I was not informed before the drop date of this class that the Spanish language was unnecessary for privileged white people. Someone owes me an apology or perhaps a light lunch at The Olive Garden.”

At press time, the two sides had informally agreed upon a settlement in which Wankerson would receive a pat on the head and an actual plastic bubble to place around the imaginary one all white people have to shield them from new languages and races of people.