Bruce Springsteen writes tardy note for 9-year-old fan

Paul Ryan

Xabi Glovsky, a fourth grader from Los Angeles, went to a Bruce Springsteen concert on a school night and stayed out a little later than usual. Amazingly, Springsteen was gracious enough to write a note to bring his teacher in case he was late to school the next day:

Dear Ms. Jackson,
Who the hell do you think you are? I’m goddamn Bruce Springsteen, and Xabi Glovsky is gonna be late today. Don’t like it? Suck eggs. It doesn’t matter if he’s five minutes late. Everybody’s five minutes late to everything. But not everybody is a huge dick about it, Ms. Jackson. So are you cool or are you a dick?

Remember that time during the Super Bowl when everybody thought I was old but then I slid on my knees onstage and it was hella cool and everybody in the entire universe pooped their pants at once? That incident is one of many reasons why I’m so overqualified to excuse Xabi from school. I sang on “We Are the World”, sucker! Xabi is excused for the rest of goddamn eternity if I feel like it! That song went platinum four times, Ms. Jackson! Four times! I’m Bruce Springsteen!

Also, I don’t like to brag, but I used to jackhammer Julianne Phillips in her prime. I saw her in “Fletch Lives” and I was like “I’d hit that”, and then I did. She might be dead now. I’m not sure. Siri, is my ex-wife dead? I don’t know how this thing works. Whatever, I don’t care. If people ask, just avoid the subject. But I think she’s dead.

Hey! Back on task, Springsteen! Why do you have such a boner for tardiness, Ms. Jackson? I’ll bet you’re one of those ReTrumpicans ruining our country. Well the joke’s on you, Ms. Jackson. We are governed by shapeshifting lizard people in disguise, a subject I discussed at length in my hit song “Streets of Philadelphia”. Donald Trump’s real name is Fukblorb43 of planet 7A59 in the Foonpies Galaxy, and as soon as he’s president, he’ll turn us all into nutrient paste for his galaxy of lizard people. Each of them has three butts! Three!

Bernie Sanders is no better. They say he was born in New York, but he was actually found by NASA floating in a black hole filled with cat penises! Nobody knows what he’s gonna do if he wins. All I know is there’s a lot of marijuana paraphernalia named after him. It’s pretty neat. Don’t vote for him, though. He’s a space alien!

I know what you’re thinking, Ms. Jackson. You’re thinking Hillary Clinton isn’t a cyborg from Uranus. She is, though! She’s a sex robot from the future that Bill got in college when George Soros granted him three wishes. Once elected, she’ll make us all use iPhones! All of us! You won’t be able to play old Nintendo games with a game emulator ever again. That’s some bullshit.

Ms. Jackson, did I ever tell you about the time I joined an online Tecmo Super Bowl messageboard? It’s pretty interesting. Some dude created a program that allows people to edit the player names and attributes in the game, so a bunch of us created our own versions with modern players. It was pretty fun, but I quit because some guy from Cleveland kept making the Browns super powerful. They suck, Ms. Jackson. They suck hard. I left and never looked back. Do you know why, Ms. Jackson? Because I was born to run.

Also, did I mention that I used to give the boomtang to Julianne Phillips? I did! Four hundred and eight times! I counted. After each time I’d yell “Wooo! Banged my wife!” Then I’d mark it down on the whiteboard. She’s not my wife anymore, though. I think she’s dead, but I’m not sure.

I don’t know why you care so much about being on time, Ms. Jackson, but it’s lame as balls! I would never make threats because that would be illegal, but if Xabi doesn’t get at least a B- in your class, I’ll never play the song “Dancing in the Dark” again. It’s not a threat, Ms. Jackson. It’s just a thing that will happen if Xabi doesn’t continue coasting through the fourth grade. That’s legal in all fifty states if you wrote “Born in the USA”! Go ahead, call the police. Who do you think they’re gonna believe, Ms. Jackson? Some schoolteacher or the guy who wrote “No Surrender”? The kid ain’t tardy today.

So it’s cool if whatshisname is late, right? We’re cool? Before you answer, keep in mind that I’m Bruce Springsteen and I wrote “Glory Days”. He’s not tardy. Did I mention that a nun stuffed me into a garbage can in the third grade? I’m Bruce friggin’ Springsteen! I don’t have to mention it to you! I am beloved by people everywhere, and Xabi is excused from being tardy! I’m Bruce Springsteen!

Best,
Bruce Springsteen

P.S. I’m Bruce Springsteen!