I’m not quite sure what Santa’s bringing you

Forrest Johnson

I’m not quite sure what Santa’s bringing you this Christmas, but he’s sending me a little shot at the moon. I’m not quite sure what kind of deal the old elf made with NASA but he obviously shamed someone within the agency about the fact that we haven’t been back since the last Apollo mission in 1972.
Enough with the presents and children sitting in his lap. He’s ready for a moon shot. He’s had it with the ongoing debates over health care and war, a fossil fuel economy and credit cards and hand held electronic devices that drain away free will.
Me too.
The great masses of the unemployed and underemployed need a little boost, and Santa recently contracted with the Royal Burbot Spaceship Company and the Five Cent Lunch Corp. to build a craft capable of making the journey.
“You know, all people want is 15 cents of equality on any given day,” Santa told me. “Nowadays you can’t even get that at Christmas. Well, in the void of space we’re all about the same.”
Built proudly by the Fishhouse Conservation Corps, with a zero gravity bathroom, barrel-hoop steering wheel, five-speed clutch, bucket seats and enough horsepower under that hood to break free of Earth’s gravitational pull, the Royal Burbot Moonliner will cause any serious unemployed or underemployed adventurer to think twice about traveling any other way.
Paint job by Earl Scheib.
And remember folks, there are no laws on the moon.
The Jet Propulsion Band will be playing in the lounge, and you can redeem your glassware for an Astro-Martini because happy hour lasts all year.
You can also cash in your coupons for moon scrip that includes 40 acres and a mule.   
Born on Saturn, the one and only Sun Ra will be the mission bandleader. Dancing is encouraged any time.
Santa is also providing the homeless and hungry meal tickets at any nearby Five Cent Lunch Corp. food stand, where you can choose from a tantalizing menu that includes moon pies, fish cakes, lutefisk bars, garlic tenders, and first class Pluto Water from private reserves.
Voyagers will stop at the orbiting earth-viewing station to stretch their legs and look for gifts, enjoy a cup of coffee and have a chance to win the daily drawing for a special guided space walk high above the lunar surface.
For those of you still hooked on Christmas, space flight is a great gift idea. And this travel season is featuring some of the lowest fares ever. You say five bucks is unheard of to get to the moon? Not so, says Santa. Five bucks up and five bucks back. That’s it.
Economy flights are available on Tuesdays, year round.
Stuff the stockings with moon shot tickets and hang them with care. Drop in a few coupons for great rooms at the Sundowner Motel, “Just on the other Side” of the moon. Proprietors Bob and Flo say it doesn’t matter that the motel is located on the dark side of the moon because “It’s just right over the border,” mere minutes from wonderful shopping and lunar amenities.
No passport is necessary.
There are no surveillance cameras in windows or on lampposts.
No Homeland Security.
No guard dogs.
No clocks or calendars.
No questions asked.
And since NASA dropped a satellite into a crater in search of the signs of water, the moon has never been brighter. It’s a wonderful time to visit and with Santa as your travel agent, you can rest assured you’ll be treated kindly and with respect.
Yes, folks, it’s 240,000 miles away but when you hear pilots Chester and Lester shout over the intercom, “Hey, there’s the moon. Downshift into third gear,” and you look out your own private porthole over the Sea of Tranquility, you may never want to return to the bump and grind of Earth ever again.