Tips for attending Comic Con

Paul Ryan

It’s time once again for Comic Con, the annual nerd pilgrimage to San Diego! Every year, 130,000 entertainment industry employees who got tickets for free gather together to pander to nerds who aren’t even there because all the tickets were given to industry people. The legendary conference is quite literally a scam, so here’s some tips for you unfortunate few who were able to score tickets to this soul sucking money vacuum.

- Do you like standing in line? Do you enjoy Disneyland but wish the lines were longer and more frequent? Then you’ll do fine at Comic Con, my friend. You’ll do just fine.

- Make sure to budget accordingly. A five-day pass to the convention is $200. Flights arriving the day before the convention are $800, while ones arriving two days ahead are $500 with two layovers. Hotel rooms range from $150 per night for a hooker motel filled with bedbugs to $300 per night for a room at the Marriott that faces a brick wall. The cheapest food at the convention is a single cookie for $4 or a small hot dog for $8. Outside of the convention center, every restaurant in town brings out their Valentine’s Day menus, where there are only six choices and all of them are $30. So plan on spending at least $1,400 to $2,000 total. I wish there was a joke in this paragraph, but there is not.

- You’d think hotels near the border of Tijuana would be cheaper, but they’re not. Hookers are, though. So you’ve got that going for you.

- Don’t leer at the pretty cosplay girls. Approach them and start a conversation so you can really scare the crap out of them.
- Contrary to popular belief, kissing the security personnel at Comic Con is encouraged. There’s nothing those overly friendly, well paid, not at all aggressive or rude security people like more than wacky surprises.

- If you happen to see a celebrity, like the guy who did the voice of Wilma in The Flintstones, do not sniff his butt like a dog. Butt sniffing must be initiated by the celebrities.

- If you happen to see anyone from the cast of The Big Bang Theory, feel free to sniff their butts all you want. Their show sucks ass.

- Remember: The booth babes aren’t there for your sexual amusement. Well, actually they are - it’s the entire reason they were hired - but they like to pretend they aren’t sexual objects, so just play along with it. There’s nothing worse than sitting through a painfully ironic feminist lecture from a woman with her bosoms heaving out of her bikini at a business conference.

- Nightlife at Comic Con is legendary! Wanna get into the Game of Thrones party? You can’t. Wanna get into the Playboy party? Even if you’re on the list, they won’t let you in unless your group has roughly a 6:1 girl-to-guy ratio. Wanna sit in your hotel room each night and jerk off? That’s pretty much what most people do in the evenings during Comic Con.

- If someone tells you they like the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles more than the classic ones, you are legally allowed to punch them in the balls up to three times. Especially if they’re a little kid.

- Any cool comic books you find on the exhibitor floor can be found on Ebay for 94% less. Any cool toys you find can be found on Ebay for 94% more.

- If you’d like to buy an exclusive toy from the Hasbro booth, first get in line for the convention center. Four hours later when you get inside, get in line for the ticket booth at the pavilion. Two hours later when they give you your ticket, you can get in line at the Hasbro booth. After a few hours there - assuming the security guards didn’t make you leave for pissing your pants or passing out from exhaustion - it will be your turn to step up to the counter and find that all the cool toys are sold out.

- If you’re planning on buying Mutant Vinyl Hardcore’s Strawberry Icy figure, you can go to hell because that’s what I’m getting and there are only five of them. Stay off my turf, bitches. Seriously. I will fucking cut you.

- If you come across any film industry people, keep buying them strong drinks and they’ll tell you all the dirt on everyone in the industry. It’s really fun.

- After the convention, don’t tell your doctor you got herpes from a Brony. Tell him you got it from banging a homeless person or a stray dog. You’ll keep more of your dignity that way.

- Remember: What happens at Comic Con stays at Comic Con. Unless your penis fell out of your Batman costume, in which case everyone in the world will see the photo at least seven times. YOU’RE WELCOME.